The following is a transcription from the above image. These notes were made a couple of days after the [Pause] event in Ranelagh, Autumn 2010.
why was it called pause? It didn’t feel like a pause for me… why use square brackets… the “pause” infers quiet, time out, meditation – but the brackets infer constraint, captivity, enclosure…
Couldn’t find the clue… the problem of knowing there’s a clue and then not being able to find it – a horrible feeling, like you’re stupid, or dumb witted, unable to problem solve… all those feelings that you feel when you’re young and frustrated and feel terribly self-consicous and analyzed and yet ignored & unimportant… you feel all of these things.
And then, what’s worse, is my actions impinge on other people – I interfere with an others space, the exact opposite of what I would want to do.
I upset people.
I feel caught up – as if I have to carry out what I’m doing – I’ve been hired to do a “job”, where as if I hadn’t been hired I would have been more fluid – my act of labour interferes – becomes a block in my ability to communicate, even explain myself. Awful frustration is felt.
– All the world here before I encounter it, and going on after – door frames, institutions, social spaces & streets frame my experience
and all the while a severe self-consciousness… I am being watched, as I watch – my engagement curtailed – held back – kept in check. Introversion only possible when I connect with another person – when I make eye contact with, and converse with the players – the subjects in the move-able painting. A shifting ground.
I walked through the park when the cameras were gone. I spied another person on the street where I had been earlier, sitting and listening to her read me a passage from a book I can’t remember – but the brick was red, the sky blue, the sun bright, the air fresh, the seat low, the breeze gentle… It was peaceful.
I missed some parts. My choices took me away from some people – chance & choice… no regrets. I never saw the performance on the Luas. Take your chances. You can’t do everything so enjoy what you do – engage now, experience now, absorb now… that ephemeral time of now.
And Algorithm was there…
it wasn’t all chance – somethings are chance and somethings are inevitable, like aging and death. Sometimes there is a system at work which hides itself… Heideggar talks about this – let me see if I can dig out a Quote: